Independence, Reconsidered

Thinking about independence and how it relates to myself, I became overwhelmed with all the various ways it could be interpreted. Because of this, I did what any independent person would do when they don’t know what to say— I asked my mom.

What I Asked:

“If you were to describe or give examples of how I was independent or not independent growing up, what would you say?”

Her Response:

• “As a child you were very self aware and realized when you needed help with things, and you were not afraid to reach out for help.”
  • “You needed help with things when you were younger that you couldn’t do on your own, like: buttons and shoe tying, turning on the lights in the turn and sleeping by yourself, and braiding your own hair
  • “Even now, making phone calls to get your meds or ordering take out on the phone.” “For those you always found someone to help you.”

• “I wouldn’t call you totally independent when you were younger. But you were always willing and able to advocate for yourself and others to other kids, adults, teachers etc.
  • “You always had a keen sense of right and wrong and were able to call out injustice or unfairness. Not just for yourself but for other kids who perhaps couldn’t advocate for themselves.”

• “You were very good at amusing yourself with puzzles or drawing.”
  • You were also not shy so if you were doing a new activity like tae kwon do or swimming or soccer you would jump right in with the rest of the kids. Even when they weren’t very accepting of you.”

Most of what my mom said is true– I was in fact very outspoken and self aware. I knew how and when to ask for help, who to go to, and I wasn’t afraid to ask for help either. On the surface, it may seem like asking for help with physical tasks was just me being lazy or lacking independence. In reality, the difficulty I encountered when doing or undoing buttons, shoe laces, and my hair is a reflection of my diagnosed fine motor skill issues more than anything else. Whenever I struggled with tasks, I’d create coping mechanisms or work arounds before ever asking for help— like never untying my shoes and just slipping my feet in. I also developed ways to adapt to keep my school work organized which led to me getting good grades in advanced classes. Asking for help was not a replacement for not wanting to try, it was me actively knowing what was working and not working while choosing to prioritize that effort towards other things in the meantime. I don’t struggle with fine motor skill related tasks as much as I had in the past— probably because I’ve worked hard to get better at them through my various hobbies (wood carving, jewelry making, playing the drumset, playing guitar, fishing + having to tie knots, etc.). Despite all the repetition and work I’ve put into improving my fine motor skills, I still will ask for help when buttoning up a shirt or untying knots.

While writing this, I’ve come to the conclusion that my independence largely stems from my strong ability in knowing myself, my abilities and limitations, and knowing when it’s better to ask for help than do it on my own. Asking or realizing when I need help is not a reflection of my incapabilities or failures. It’s being realistic with yourself and with others. Its the ability to accept that not everything has to be done alone, being able to put your ego aside so that you can use the tools and support you need to be successful. Relying on others isn’t a weakness nor does it determine someone’s self worth or independence. I am extremely capable in many areas of life and the areas where I’m not so capable, I know I can rely on others to grow and do what I alone cannot.