Alone in Family

Hi my name is Noah Dinner. 

Since birth I have felt and been different from my family members. Not because I was the youngest (which did also add to the loneliness from them) but because I didn’t know how to fit in with them. I felt like an outcast towards them, I couldn’t interact with them properly so I mainly watched them get along so well while I wished I could engage in the conversation and feel like part of the family. I felt more normal being alone than being with family, I thought they wouldn’t understand me so I never tried to be part of the family. 

It was only recently that I felt like I was a family member that I could be myself around them. It took me until 2022-2023 to talk to them like I was their cousin, son or nephew rather than a stranger. During those time periods I had a therapist who I would go to, I believe, once or twice a week, and discuss everything that happened to me and everything that was happening to me as of back then. We went into great depth understanding my anger, hatred, and loneliness. We worked on how I would be a better person and try to interact with my family instead of acting like a stranger. Months and months of work and getting over my anxiety of it, I was able to talk to them. 

Having autism, adhd, and dyslexia was hard enough not understanding to be normal but it was fine to handle. Being different from my family was the worst for me. I understood what it felt like to be the black sheep of the family, I never really had a close relationship with most of my family members growing up. I didn’t know how to connect with them. I didn’t understand what they were talking about, even if I was a child and they were talking about teenager stuff. I accepted the fact that I was alone a lot during my childhood. Yes I had friends and yes I went out and had fun but I still was alone. As I got older, I realized that no one should feel alone in the family or outside. 

Something inside of me wanted to protect people who couldn’t protect themselves. I wasn’t like someone who would fight their bully but I would help them make them feel safe and cared for. I knew what it felt like being alone and I didn’t want these young kids to feel the same way. I don’t have any major stories that involve me protecting someone from danger. I do remember me playing games with them, listening to them and not ignoring them or making them do something they didn’t enjoy.

I had this childlike nature in me who connected and made sure younger kids had fun or that they were able to express themselves. I didn’t want people to have the same experience that I had growing up. With having that “power” I made sure that everyone who was younger or needed help was able to get it from me. I don’t know where this personality trait came from in the beginning but having this is incredible, I am giving people who have or had similar experiences to me a way of being free of having fun and not worrying about trying to fit in with your family or other people if they don’t understand you. I have been told many times from family members and other adults that I am great with kids, and that I should go into teaching kids or doing babysitting. I didn’t understand why I was great with kids in the first place, but as I got older I realized that I still act, and do things that kids do, not like running around the house in mud or drawing on the walls but wanting to explore and be curious about everything. For example, what happens when you try to cook food, or use my toys to create this world with my lego.

I really hated being alone from the people who are supposed to care for you.

I thought that I would be like this for all my life, that I could never hold a real relationship with anyone, people in my family or outside like having a girlfriend. I didn’t think anyone would take the time to understand or anything that it was hard for me to trust people, especially people who I was dating. Years and years went by, and after living in America for most of my teenage years and my young adult life I tried my hardest to be part of the family. It took a while for me to act like I belonged there but I finally did it. Now everytime I go back home to London to see my cousins, my aunt and my grandparents I can engage in conversations, I can laugh and feel loved by them (I knew they loved me before).

I am 20 years old now. I have spent my life hating the fact I was different in that I had learning disabilities and that my family didn’t fully understand my problems. After years of therapy, having my mum who was someone who always tried to help me throughout life and coming to terms that I never embraced who I was, I was able to be free from all the anger I had towards myself and my family. Now with having a better relationship with my family, I can be able to help other kids who felt the same thing like I did. I know how it feels to hate being different from the people who love you, but remember people no matter who you are, what you are, where you come from, your language, your religion, if you’re fat or thin, small or tall, blind or can see 20/20. 

We are human, we are all different no matter what.  

Noah comes to us by way of the BroadFutures 2026 Winter Internship. He is spending twelve weeks observing and participating in The Arc of Northern Virginia’s operations and programs and bringing his own perspective and contribution to our work.